Self-reflection. The largest pillar in the foundation of how we view ourselves. A tool that can lift you up, or a trap that can hold you down. We all self-reflect often, mindfully or otherwise. Self-reflection can be a tricky thing for me. The way I see and evaluate myself is often tainted by irrational thinking or past traumas. It is easy to blow negatives out … Continue reading Don’t Trust the Mirror

Why sit when you can stand? Why stand when you can run? Why run when you can fly? Why fly when you can fall? Why take the time to spin a bunch of words on a page that only half make sense? Why online instead of in a notebook, or on a sticky note? Go to bed early. Or maybe not at all, so you … Continue reading Something About Nothing

Late summer. Early fall. Tumultuous every time, without fail, for the last five years. Beauty and pain. Gratitude and regret. I sway with the changing moods, and the memories. So many memories. I move between exhaustion, self-loathing, with some recklessness on the side. And some despicable pity parties. That disgusting “why me?” That feeling of weakness and humiliation caused by feeling sorry about life circumstances. … Continue reading Rearview Mirrors

Living with bipolar disorder has given me a lot. I have experienced a lot, positive, negative, and a lot in between. I have many obstacles, some of which I have been working through for a long time. Below are three of the issues that have been on the forefront throughout the years. Consistency: I live in a cluttered world. Filled with passionate ideas never acted … Continue reading Struggles of Mine

A Thursday evening in a mostly empty Tim Hortons. Typing out words. Just words on a page. Or a screen. A slow summer on the blog. Perhaps I haven’t been thinking enough about the value. Of words on a page. Maybe it is good to write. When I have nothing to write about. Maybe it is worthwhile to write. When the inspiration isn’t there. Even … Continue reading Just Words on a Page

Tell me a story, friend. Tell me about someone. Who knows about the depths. The bottom of the mind. Who knows what it’s like to spend the night. Dreaming wide awake. About their own death. Tell me about someone. Who has been slashed and burned. By fire and knife. With a river of molten lava. Running through their head. Carving a web of scars. Tell … Continue reading Tell Me a Story

“Don’t spend your time worrying about the next episode.” Wise words a social worker once told me. Simple, but ever so challenging. Easy to fall into the trap of wondering what is going to happen next time things get bad, or getting stuck on memories and feelings from episodes past. But isn’t it important to let go? Times of calm are precious. A time where … Continue reading Regrowth

Staying afloat. There are countless ways to stay afloat. Some of them are very routine and easy. Others are difficult. Oftentimes I’m staying afloat the hard way. Staying afloat can be ugly. It might mean applying a hasty patch on the bottom of a boat after intentionally chopping through the hull. Or maybe it means clinging to the side of this leaky vessel after taking … Continue reading Staying Afloat

Dream. Just a little. Or a lot. Dream that you will be happier when the snow melts. That you will get your energy back. Dream that tomorrow your day might be rewarding. Not just a tedious requirement. Dream. Just a little. Or a lot. Dream that you will be productive. And finish writing your book. Dream that your happiness will not fade away. Immediately after … Continue reading Dream a Little

Everybody falls. We all make mistakes. As individuals some of us have specific issues that we struggle with. Things that are difficult to manage, and sometimes we fall back into old thought patterns and behaviours. Relapse in my life means mental health breakdowns, and specifically self harm behaviour. I had a significant relapse across late December and into early January. So what happens after a … Continue reading I Relapsed, Now What?

I have a story. A story about life with a mental illness. It is not a feel good story to instill feelings of hope and happiness. It is a real story. Told by someone who is living it. I don’t want your sympathy. But I would like your attention. Because there are others fighting life-altering battles that are fought behind closed doors, and often alone. … Continue reading Mentally Ill

Stay 1: Fall 2015 My eyes open to a pale room.  Buried in white sheets. Staring at the ceiling. I am silent. Trying to make sense of it all. I can hear nurses in the hallway. It must be morning. My face sinks into my pillow. Muffling the plea that escapes from my lips. “Let me die.” Stay 2: Fall 2015 How did I end … Continue reading Psych Ward Musings