2025 was many things. Ups, downs, struggles, victories. But it will go down as the year that I took a chance on myself, on my future. The year that I tried to treasure the present moment, and work through the events of my past. It was the year that changed my life. The last several months of 2024 my mental health grew steadily worse, and … Continue reading The Year That Changed my Life

Butterflies. Fluttering through the city, the countryside, Doing butterfly things. But not me, I’ve often thought, That I’ve grown up to be a moth. And sometimes I feel, That moths aren’t meant to do butterfly things. Butterflies fill the world with colour and energy, I have usually preferred the dark. Everyone seems to think butterflies beautiful, While moths are forgettable. I wanted that for a … Continue reading Butterflies and Moths

Last night I lay awake under the stars. As the evening breeze whispered through the trees and the coyotes howled I reached deep inside myself. And I found something that has been missing for a very long time. Amidst the wreckage and the rot, the fear and the hatred, I found that small voice. The voice that says “you belong here.” A voice that’s here … Continue reading Not Too Late

I don’t know why I feel compelled to type this on my computer, instead of burying it in the notes app of my phone. Maybe it’s to justify keeping my website up and running, or maybe it’s because I have something worthwhile to say. Who knows? The springtime sun shines through the window, threatening to overheat my laptop. The same springtime sun that cannot warm … Continue reading Happy Spring

How many times? Will I run into the same wall? Before I shatter into a million pieces, Or finally find a way around? How many times? Will I be left holding, What seems to be the last straw? Before I crush it between my fingers, or find a dozen more? How many times? Will I look at my reflection? Before I spot a third eye, … Continue reading How Many Times?

“Self-harm is not an uncommon experience, nor is it a shameful defect or personal failure, it happened to me because I wasn’t able to manage intense emotional distress.” -Ruby Elliot Day by day, brick by brick. The recovery journey continues. I have learned a lot over the last five months. This is likely the longest time I’ve gone without self harming in seven years. It … Continue reading Brick by Brick

After years of illness, it can be frustrating and exhausting to attempt to improve one’s mental health. Here are some of the struggles I have encountered lately: All or nothing thinking All or nothing thinking makes personal growth incredibly challenging, maybe even impossible. All or nothing thinking results in me equating every little bump in the road as a failure. The word failure makes me … Continue reading Happy is Hard

Seasons of change are difficult. I don’t know where I am, I don’t know where I’m headed. I’m a passenger on a subway train with an unknown destination. I am excited, Yet hesitant. Because there are ghosts on the subway. Ghosts that look like previous, sick versions of myself. And they say, “Stop.” “Get off the train.” “You’re never gonna make it, kid. Seasons of … Continue reading Ghosts on the Subway

No one understands all of the thoughts running through your head. No one can grasp the depth nor the darkness of the water that churns inside you. No one can shift the current, nor calm the rapids. You are on your own. All alone. Sinking. In a black river. A black river of misery. But what if you paused for a bit? Looked around, just … Continue reading Black River of Misery

It’s hard to quantify pain in the middle of the conflict. Difficult to assess damage while taking hits. Only after the winds die down, and the waves cease their crashing against my skull, can I look myself in the mirror, and see the suffering. And it hurts me so deeply, to see what I’ve done to myself. And I am so, so sorry. Sorry for … Continue reading Sorry Trev: An Overdue Apology

I waited eleven hours in the emergency room again. I spent twelve days in the hospital again. It’s been six years since the last time. In some ways it felt like yesterday, others a lifetime ago. A strange sense of nostalgia flouts around the place, present in the sounds, the smells, and how it feels to curl up underneath hospital sheets again. It was a … Continue reading Doing it for Myself This Time

I’ve spent most of the last year in a shell, keeping my problems to myself. I like it better that way. At least that’s what I tell myself. But once I escape my shell, even for a short while, it becomes apparent that my shell has become diseased. Fostering a desolate environment where life slowly loses its value. I don’t care a whole lot about … Continue reading A Shell is not a Refuge