2025 was many things. Ups, downs, struggles, victories. But it will go down as the year that I took a chance on myself, on my future. The year that I tried to treasure the present moment, and work through the events of my past. It was the year that changed my life.

The last several months of 2024 my mental health grew steadily worse, and I entered 2025 on one of the lowest notes in my life. And things kept getting worse. I pulled away from everything and everyone, finding new ways to snuff out any light attempting to enter my light. I felt like I was living a double life. Trying to maintain as normal an appearance as I could so that I could keep my secrets. In late winter/early spring I hit rock bottom. Probably the darkest yearlong stretch of my life landed me in a black hole of self-hatred and hopelessness that truly seemed to be the end of the road. I am so grateful that I hit that rock bottom. It changed everything.

I could go into greater detail of what I went through, but that isn’t the story here. The story is what followed. As I write this today I feel like a truly different person. This year I have experienced growth and healing that I thought would never happen for me. My relationship with myself has changed so much, and with it my life has newfound meaning and purpose.

Early this year, I felt very strongly that there was nothing left for me in this life. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt more hopeless or discouraged. Even though things were very dark, I managed to let in enough light to keep me going, even though it seemed pointless or foolish. The springtime winds of change then started to blow into my life. The seriousness and gravity of what had been happening made me realize some things. I realized that how I had been living my life over the years wasn’t going to work. A decade of mostly surviving, without much living, had built up too much scar tissue and frustration, with little in the way of rewards. When I surprised myself by deciding that I didn’t want to die, that left one choice in front of me: I had to try to live. Survival mode has been valuable in my life, but it only allows the bare minimum. It was time to reach for more than that. To reach beyond the past trauma and seemingly bleak future to give life a chance.

Doors started opening after I took a chance on life, took a chance on me. As I treated myself better, I began to see some things more clearly. The headspace that I spent a good part of a decade in didn’t hold up to my new reality. Instead of seeing all the negatives in life as truth and destiny, I could see them as the result of my ways of thinking, which had been heavily influenced by trauma. Trauma, perhaps the biggest explanation behind it all. So many layers of pain and illness began to fall away when I started addressing, rather than suppressing, trauma. Healing can be very gentle, or it can feel like ripping out stitches. It can seem very meaningful, or confusing. Some days there is direction, others where the path is lost in fog. But I trust that I am moving in the right direction. Because this time I am not waiting to sabotage myself so things can go back to how they were. This time, I believe in this journey. And I am getting better at believing in me. A common fear that I had in the past was a fear of things going right, a fear of being happy. I was so scared to lose my identity rooted in pain and self-hatred. I didn’t want to take the chance of losing myself to be happy. I took a chance on being happy, and I didn’t lose myself. Rather, I found myself. It may seem like I built or achieved my way into this new version of myself. I don’t believe that to be accurate. Finding myself hasn’t been about building something new, it has been about removing all the layers that don’t serve me anymore, unveiling what was there all along. It’s about throwing the curtains back so you can be yourself.

Here is a quick list of things that have helped me during this year:

Emotional regulation:

Over the years I have done a lot of suppressing emotions. When emotions are suppressed, the emotional response grows over time in an effort for the emotion to seen and validated. I ended up on the extreme end of this scale, where on a scale a low level emotion results in a high level response. An example would be something like me thinking that I am better off dead because the car slid off an icy driveway or I forgot to do a routine task. Now when I experience emotions I try to make time and space for them. This allows me to feel the weight of the emotion, and let it naturally subside. When I accept emotions, they are much easier to handle than when I try to fight them off or ignore them.

Healing from trauma:

In hindsight, trauma seems to be the biggest reason behind a lot of struggles during my life. I am trying to treat my past self with kindness and compassion. I found Accelerated Resolution Therapy helpful for addressing traumatic memories from childhood and from the last decade. Realizing that the past doesn’t control the present or the future has removed some of the weight or impact from things I have been through.

Staying in the present moment:

Being in the present moment helps me a lot. I still get caught up in the past or carried away in the future, but I am better able to “be where my feet are” than before. When the past was always weighing me down, and the future seemed so bleak, there wasn’t enough room left for me to operate in the present. Now I can use the present moment to exist, just as I am. This is very grounding and can relieve stress and anxiety.

Exercise:

Exercise, specifically walking and running have been building blocks for where I am today. They were probably the two biggest things that helped me to start making positive progress this spring. Exercise is such a good tool for improving your mindset, stopping negative thought cycles, and building long term health. Exercise can also be a great way to spend time in nature.

Using connections:

Connecting with important people in my life has been so valuable this year. I feel less alone when I reach out more. Deep, meaningful conversations, and even normal chats can have a big impact on my life. I am generally pretty reserved but talking to or even texting friends has been uplifting.

Reframing thoughts/events:

My brain has a history of spinning things in a negative way to reinforce the negative identity I crafted over the years. Now I can tell that just because my brain has a thought that doesn’t mean it’s true. I can also find positives and silver linings in things that happen in life. One big perspective change that is happening regards all of the things I have struggled with in life. I used to think that these are reasons and proof that things won’t work out in my life. Now I can see the lessons I can take from all of the struggles to help me move forward. These are reasons why things will work out. Maybe the way my life has gone wouldn’t be the way I would plan or hope for, but I can still use it to help me grow.

A lot has changed in my life, and things continue to change. At this point I am unsure what the future holds for this blog. I have been thinking about what I want to do moving forward, I am currently unsure if the blog will continue long term. Given this, I thought it was important that I update you on the progress that I have made. This is also my 100th post, so special thanks everyone reading this, especially those who have been here since the start.