“Self-harm is not an uncommon experience, nor is it a shameful defect or personal failure, it happened to me because I wasn’t able to manage intense emotional distress.”

-Ruby Elliot

Day by day, brick by brick. The recovery journey continues. I have learned a lot over the last five months. This is likely the longest time I’ve gone without self harming in seven years. It has gone surprisingly smoothly, but my brain still makes an effort sometimes to try and stuff things up.

Euphoric recall has been a thing I’ve been experiencing recently. Euphoric recall is when you remember past experiences in a positive light, while overlooking the negative factors that were also part of the experience. An object, a word, or even a sound has the power to flood my brain with memories, emotions, and physical sensations from the past. Last Thursday it was the sound of birds chirping, and Sunday it was a specific word. I am often surprised as I am now learning just how deeply I’ve been affected by self harm. As I’ve previously written, it’s hard to quantify pain in the middle of conflict, and difficult to assess damage while taking hits.

It isn’t all euphoric. Sometimes a scar on my body brings back a memory, a reminder of how ill I’ve been in the past. It serves as a cautionary tale and also one of hope. I remember what my mind is capable of, but I am also reminded that I was able to survive those times in my life. There were times when I thought that I won’t live to be a certain age, or I won’t make it to a certain event or milestone. But here I am.

Day by day. Brick by brick. I am building something right now. I don’t know exactly what, but it feels good to be able to build something. It feels good to be able to resist the urge to tear myself down.