It’s hard to quantify pain in the middle of the conflict. Difficult to assess damage while taking hits. Only after the winds die down, and the waves cease their crashing against my skull, can I look myself in the mirror, and see the suffering. And it hurts me so deeply, to see what I’ve done to myself. And I am so, so sorry.

Sorry for all of the lies that I’ve allowed you to believe about yourself.

While toxic waters eroded the foundation of my security, I couldn’t do anything to help. I feel as if I was in the water with a crowbar, smashing away at you myself. Quickening the collapse.

It pains me that I can’t go back and change how I treated myself. I wonder how much of this could have been avoided If I loved myself a little bit more. Maybe I wouldn’t have been so ready to bash myself against the next soccer goal post, or refrigerator. Maybe I would have gave myself a a word of kindness, before picking up that blade, or heating up that stick or peace of metal. Maybe some of these scars trail through my mind and across my body, could have been prevented.

Hindsight offers clarity. But there is no going back, no changing the way that I’ve treated myself.

I had no idea how much damage I was doing to myself until it was done. Now I sit here, unabashed by the tears that are being shed from my bleeding heart.

Through it all, I am left somewhat amazed by the human mind’s capacity for suffering, but also for healing. Even as I write this blog through the tear blurred eyes, I can feel myself healing a little.

Comforted by the thought that even after all of this, there is still time to give myself another chance.

So I’m sorry Trev, sorry that it had to come to this. But I also want you to know that I believe in you again, and that this time I’ll try help it go a little smoother.