Living with bipolar disorder has given me a lot. I have experienced a lot, positive, negative, and a lot in between.

I have many obstacles, some of which I have been working through for a long time. Below are three of the issues that have been on the forefront throughout the years.

Consistency:

I live in a cluttered world. Filled with passionate ideas never acted upon. Vigorous spurts of dedication towards a project, or a self improvement goal. Spurts of dedication that now lay in the corner, gathering dust.

I live in a world with a shifting finish line. Today’s race may be irrelevant tomorrow.

Imagine deciding to take a trip out East. And after going through a tank of gas, realizing that you actually want to go West instead. How is one supposed to get anything meaningful done?

I float in a field of dreams, fueled by sudden ideas before I fall asleep, or a moment of inspiration on a walk through town. A field of dreams in which I struggle to plant any seeds, or grow any roots.

Just know that I’m trying. Making an effort to build something.

And I will try to remind myself. That being a drifter does not render me useless.

Feeling like I’m not trying hard enough:

I have a tendency to go through the motions. Going about my days in a very dispassionate, detached way. Some days I manage only the bare minimum.

How much time is wasted? Time where I could be doing so much. On the days where I have no energy, why do I let my illness win? Shouldn’t I be able to protect my spark, and use it to drive back the fog?

I may just be doing what I can. Or I may be choosing to sit on the sidelines, anointing myself the King of Apathy.

At least I have patience. The patience to wait until the noise fades away. So that I can just be me. And accept that as enough.

Premonitions:

It is painful for me to think about the future. I have difficulty shaking the notion that there is always darkness around the corner. In the early days of my illness I would struggle to see anything but another mental breakdown, another hospital stay. That escalated into the feeling that I would not be able to survive the next year, or maybe even the next month. I was convinced that I would never see my 19th birthday, and swore that I’d never see 20.

And though I’m now 24, the sense of dread hasn’t completely left. Thoughts of suicide are much weaker, and chaotic illness no longer dominates my life. But when I look into the future it is sometimes with a sense of dread. My mind still churns with the notion that something will go drastically wrong. That it’s just a matter of time. There are no specifics or timelines, just the feeling that my life is destined for disaster.

Part of me continues to reside in that deepset fear. Haunted by the feeling that I am capable of causing so much chaos, so much pain.

It is a feeling that I don’t know if I can ever completely shake. But life goes on as regularly scheduled. Life goes on only as it can, in the present moment. And that is enough for me.

And may nobody (myself included) forget how many great things lay ahead in life, even though it can be hard to see sometimes.