“Don’t spend your time worrying about the next episode.” Wise words a social worker once told me.

Simple, but ever so challenging. Easy to fall into the trap of wondering what is going to happen next time things get bad, or getting stuck on memories and feelings from episodes past. But isn’t it important to let go? Times of calm are precious.

A time where I can feel comfortable again. Feel comfortable in my own skin, and enjoy being around people. I am more sensitive to the finer things, and let me never take that for granted. The sunlight, the breeze, even senses of smell, touch, and taste. I can appreciate it all again. For how long? Who knows. “Don’t spend your time worrying about the next episode.”

Calm brings a few thoughts, questions.

Am I feeling normal, or am I getting hypomanic?

For whatever reason, I’ve developed the viewpoint that it’s bad to be hypomanic. Possibly influenced by general stigma around the disorder. Is hypomanic me the real me? Is the real me depressed? Is there an in between, if so what is it?

I think that my baseline mood is one of mild depression, whether that be from my illness, medications or a mixture of both. Maybe that’s why I question things when I’m feeling good. It can be a foreign feeling. Especially after a long spell of depression and mixed moods. The reality is that it doesn’t really matter whether I’m experiencing hypomania or not. I am allowed to feel whatever I’m feeling. And I am also allowed to enjoy a break from the struggle, no matter what form that takes.

Enjoy life when it’s an easy thing to do. Because it won’t last. That’s just reality.

“Don’t spend your time worrying about your next episode.”

Also applicable: Don’t spend your time worrying about why you are feeling okay.

Use the time to feel again. It is a time for regrowth, for recovery. When the fires in my head are reduced to ash, it is time to put in those new roots. Maybe add some topsoil, pick some weeds. Time to remind myself that it’s okay to feel good. My life doesn’t have to be a constant struggle. I deserve to have a break sometimes, just as much as the next person.

Time to take advantage of the improved ability to concentrate and do a little writing.

“Don’t spend your time worrying about the next episode.”