Staying afloat. There are countless ways to stay afloat. Some of them are very routine and easy. Others are difficult. Oftentimes I’m staying afloat the hard way.

Staying afloat can be ugly.

It might mean applying a hasty patch on the bottom of a boat after intentionally chopping through the hull.

Or maybe it means clinging to the side of this leaky vessel after taking an ill-advised leap overboard for one reason or another.

Why would someone sabotage their own boat, or even jump overboard?

It is a learned behaviour. Crafted over 7 years of dealing with mental distress. 7 years of fighting the urge to self sabotage, working with a mind that likes to fight against me.

I traverse the dark places. Many different pathways that are well travelled throughout my mind.

One of them is the pull of self harm. A subject I rarely delve into.

I catch myself staring at all of the blades in the shaving section at the grocery store. Feeling the familiar pull of wanting something new, shiny, and sharp. A pull that I have known for years now. Old scars. Euphoric recall. Remembering cutting sessions as magic, and forgetting the hellish aftermath.

Strange how I can be comforted by the sight of my own blood. How the physical damage of oneself can become addicting. It goes against everything that seems normal. The haunting trance that can come over me as you find what you think you need. Whether punishing yourself, or trying to find calm in a storm that I can’t deal with anymore.

Oh, and the stigma. I have an easier time talking about suicide than I do self harm. It makes me feel like a freak sometimes. And I know that the subject can be very uncomfortable, and the problem difficult to understand.

I cannot overstate the mental pain and regret after a slip up. When one has been able to stay clean for a long period of time. That feeling of my whole world crashing down in an avalanche of failure. Bringing me back to a place where I feel like giving up. But just like a relapse of any other sort, the best way forward is to pick myself back up and continue on. Slapping another patch on the bottom of that boat and keep rowing, or floating. Whichever one I have the energy for.

Even leaky vessels can reach safe harbours, and experience amazing adventures.