Everybody falls. We all make mistakes. As individuals some of us have specific issues that we struggle with. Things that are difficult to manage, and sometimes we fall back into old thought patterns and behaviours.

Relapse in my life means mental health breakdowns, and specifically self harm behaviour. I had a significant relapse across late December and into early January.

So what happens after a relapse? No two occasions are the same, but it always takes me some time to get back on track. I am now over a week post-relapse. I am still exhausted from the whole ordeal. I can summon enough energy to take care of the basics, but I have very little left in the tank for anything else. Things like eating, hygiene and exercise can be a struggle. I feel like I could sleep all day if I let myself, but even still it has been hard to wake up after as much as 12 hours of shut-eye.

Mental fatigue also comes after a relapse. My brain goes through so much during breakdowns that it is difficult to get it working properly after. Part of me wants to continue to get better, fighting against the pull to just give up. I feel like I am floating in some sort of infinite shell, while having little sense of direction and lacking motivation to try and find a way out. I wonder how much strength I have left, and if I can withstand the forces of the world outside the somewhat ominous cocoon in which I now reside.

Moments of happiness or joy or few and far between. The numbness and shock of what has happened overrides most of my senses. Most of the time it is hard to feel anything. I still participate in activities that I enjoy, but I am lacking drive and enthusiasm. Oftentimes I wish to be back home by myself.

It is slow going but wounds are healing, both mentally and physically. I fight against picking the scabs of body and mind.

Somewhere above, a few rays of light penetrate the mist overhead. I want to believe in them, but they seem artificial at the moment. But I have enough experience to know that I must wait.

In time, the shell will crack and skies will be normal once again.

And I will continue on.

Relapses happen in life. Be easy on yourselves and keep fighting.