The hourglass of time continues to drain. Spring has bloomed into summer. I take advantage of the warmth and sunshine. I do my best to keep track of all the good things. All in the name of staying on the right side of stability, maybe even growth. Within me there is a gap. The gap that separates myself from madness. I flirt with the gap, crossing over from time to time. And sometimes I find myself fraternizing with a ghost.

We don’t speak in audible tones that ‘you all’ can listen in on. That is by design. I’ve been finding that he has been showing up in a lot of places. He spends a lot of time in my bedroom. Not surprising since that has always been somewhat of a breeding ground for my illness. I also sense his presence at my parents’ house, or when I am travelling in a car. He has even been on the shoreline of the lake up north, when I am paddling in the canoe.

Though I have not seen him, I know him. And if he were visible, He would look exactly like me. He probably walks like me, and though I cannot physically hear him, I am sure that he talks like me. I wonder if he is growing his hair out too. We are quite similar, but we are not the same. He shares only a part of me. He is built from pain, sadness, and trauma. He is depressive, cynical, at times even delusional. He is all of the darkness from my past. And in spite of myself, I find him beautiful.

It is a strange and potentially dangerous relationship that I have with myself. I have a lot of experience shutting this dialogue off, even coaxing it into the light. But contrary to what society may believe, I don’t seem to be able to beat it. It always finds a way back. So I co-exist with it in some sort of odd cycle.

I am forever affected by the thoughts, feelings, and actions from days gone by. They continue to shape my present and future. In some ways profoundly positive and motivational, but exhausting and painful in others.

I am very grateful for the things that I have gone through. A sword of gratitude. And I cannot stress enough that this sword is double edged.

I live with a mental illness. My mind does not always operate as it should. When I am in a negative state of being, I am grateful for all of the suffering that I have known. The sadness and loneliness. Especially the suffering that I deliberately inflicted on myself. When I have these thoughts, I begin to crave more darkness in my life. In those moments, I truly want to embrace all of it, it seems familiar and comforting. I feel at home. This may be difficult to understand, but as I mentioned above, I live with a mental illness.

Gratitude for my life’s journey has also shaped my life in many positive ways. The experience that I have has allowed me to see life differently and has opened up new opportunities. This blog is a perfect example of an opportunity that has blossomed from my illness. The ability to better relate to understand others who struggle means a great deal to me, I love being able to connect with people to share experiences and encouragement. These are things that help to make my life seem meaningful. From this I gain motivation to keep enduring, and to keep growing.

It seems like a betrayal to my ghostly part to write this piece. Maybe it is, and I may regret it later. But while I still feel a little courageous I’ll go ahead and hit that publish button.

Keep on,

Trevor