The sun is shining today. Winter snow is melting away. Birdsong and the sound of street traffic filter into the house as I sit with my computer. Outside noises are overshadowed by the melancholic music coming through my headphones, courtesy of the London Philharmonic Orchestra. I have been listening to the same music piece on repeat often during the last week or so.

Winter appears to be on it’s way out. I am not sad to see it go. But the arrival of spring is usually a rough time for me. Springtime can be difficult for people living with bipolar disorder. People can be more susceptible to mania, or they may find their moods harder to control. Increasing daylight can easily disrupt the circadian rhythm of someone with bipolar disorder. Circadian rhythm is basically an internal clock, which helps to establish a sleep/wake cycle and plays a role in managing energy levels. People living with bipolar disorder often struggle with regulating energy levels and sleep cycles. Spring can make this even more difficult.

The seasonal change of winter into spring can lead to increased instability. Spring is the season with the highest suicide rate for those with bipolar disorder.

Spring is usually a strange time for me. It has been calmer in recent years as I am generally in a stable condition. It still brings fluctuating energy levels, changing moods, and greater emotional intensity than I am used to. Spring’s attractions can fill me up to the brim, or they can leave me completely drained. I might experience both of these feelings within the course of a day. Perhaps multiple times.

Perhaps the most difficult thing about spring is the unpredictability of my emotions, as well as the fact that most of them come and go without a logical explanation or a trigger. I have trouble focusing and keeping a train of thought, which can be frustrating.

Earlier I mentioned the orchestra piece that I have been listening to. There is one reason why I do it. Not because it makes me feel sad and lonely. Nor because I am a huge classical music fan. I do it for consistency. I have been using it as a way to bring me back to a familiar place. It is serving as a way to ground myself. If I am feeling erratic, the music can bring me back to a quiet place. If I am feeling down, the music helps me to work through my emotions. It also gives me a reason to feel sad, as I often experience this emotion without a known reason or cause.

The music is still playing. Perhaps it is the reason why I was able to write this without losing focus and giving up. It is a beautiful piece, and the afternoon is turning into a beautiful evening. Maybe I should go for a walk. Ah, spring. Don’t you just love it?