Another day, another maze of thoughts in my brain. Mostly negative thoughts. I usually do one of two things to manage them. Either I embrace them and fall into negative thought patterns, or I ignore them and distract myself until they go away. There is a third option that I use every now and then, and I used it today. Two words. Pen. Paper.

Being able to write down my thoughts has been very helpful. I usually just make a few notes describing my headspace. Seeing my thoughts on paper helps to take away some of the emotion that might be attached to a particular thought. When my thoughts are separated from emotions and feelings, I am able to look at them objectively. I notice that a lot of thoughts are irrational or simply incorrect. This takes much of the stress away.

I noticed that a lot of the thoughts that I am having right now are related to past trauma. I have been reliving some of my low moments from the past 6 years or so. I find that being able to look back on my past can be healing and even inspirational. But it quickly becomes a problem when I start dwelling on unhappy memories of days gone by. My positive energy begins to drain away, exciting a demon or two nearby. I am vulnerable to whatever they decide to throw my way.

A thought that has been buzzing around a lot tells me how little value my life has. It reminds me of the times where I thought about taking my life. I realize how little I have done to progress since then. Maybe, just maybe.. it would have been better if I had never lived to see this day. Was I born to lose? If so, why continue the fight?

My pen-to-paper reality check was able to help quiet those thoughts. The ones that remain are largely positive. I know that I need to be here, and I am grateful to be here.

Looking back I can see all of the blessings and growth. I feel a sense of gratitude, a sense of purpose.

It’s an ongoing struggle. The negative thoughts will come again. And I must be prepared to deal with them. It is a tough road, but I have a team walking with me. And when I’m not in it for myself, I am in it for you.