I have been thinking about writing this story for over a year now. For multiple reasons, it has proven very difficult to write about, let alone speak of. Most of what I write deals with the depressive side of my illness. It is what I experience most often. There is also less stigma attached to it then there is to the other extreme. Mania. Something that this story focuses on. I hope to be able to articulate my experiences in a way that makes some sort of sense.

Mania and Hypomania (via Mayo Clinic)

Mania and hypomania are two distinct types of episodes, but they have the same symptoms. Mania is more severe than hypomania and causes more noticeable problems at work, school and social activities, as well as relationship difficulties. Mania may also trigger a break from reality (psychosis) and require hospitalization.

Both a manic and a hypomanic episode include three or more of these symptoms:

• Abnormally upbeat, jumpy or wired
• Increased activity, energy or agitation
• Exaggerated sense of well-being and self-confidence (euphoria)
• Decreased need for sleep
• Unusual talkativeness
• Racing thoughts
• Distractibility
• Poor decision-making — for example, going on buying sprees, taking sexual risks or making foolish investments

Everyone has different experiences with these episodes. For me personally it is a lot of agitation, irritability, racing thoughts, sometimes anger. I haven’t had a lot of experience with the euphoric side. Mostly negative energy. A common feeling is that I am “crawling out of my skin.”

Story Time:

November of 2016 seems to be the best place to begin. I was in a severe depressive episode. Suicidal thoughts were beginning to come on quite strong. This was not an episode like I had experienced before though, the air felt different somehow. It was something strange and new. One late November night I decided to leave the house and walk out to the highway. Maybe, just maybe I thought that I would end up being hit by a car. So there I was walking down a gravel road past two in the morning. When I was about halfway to the highway I stopped. Then something strange happened. Very strange.

I started to feel some kind of immense excitement and happiness come over me. I turned around to head back towards home. I was running, skipping, yelling. It was fantastic. To this day I still have no idea why that happened. Maybe it was a major stress release of some sort.

As the Holidays drew nearer I started to feel a buzz inside my head. The depression seemed like it was being replaced by something new. I felt like I was approaching another level of consciousness. I began to believe that I was somehow different from the people around me. I also felt that the medications I was taking were preventing me from being able to access my “true self.” I felt that I was being forced to conform to society, rather than being able to be free. I did not completely stop taking my medications. But I started to intentionally skip some of my doses.

Christmas Day, 2016. One of the strangest days of my life. Christmas day had always been a very happy and peaceful day for me. But that year it was different. On a clear beautiful day I found myself fixated on one thing. The sun. I was wondering if the sun might be able to give me some special powers or wisdom that day. Some sort of clarity on who I really was. So I stared directly at the sun. Over and over I peered up at it. Hoping to receive some sort of message. Nothing came of it, and life went on.

As the new year came things started to get very complicated. My irrational thoughts and feelings were being spurred on by the fact that I was not keeping up with my medications. A very intriguing thought started to swirl around in my head. I started to wonder if I might be an alien of some sort, somehow non-human.

One thing that I will always remember is my sketchbook. The pages from this time have long since been torn out, but I wish I could see them now. I created strange pencil drawings and filled them with words of my own creation. I would combine many different languages to create words and sayings that nobody else would ever be able to figure out. I often wrote all of the individual letters in different places on the paper. Like a puzzle that was known only to me. I got quite a kick out of it to be honest.

Back to the persistent thought of me potentially being some sort of alien. This idea continued to gather steam. I wondered if there was a way I might be able to visit another planet and be with others like me. As if I had been accidentally planted on earth, and was finally going home.

Gradually the solution to this problem became clearer. I would have to die on this earth to see if there was another planet waiting for me. My true family.

It was bitterly cold that January. I became fascinated with the possibility of freezing to death. In fact, I scoured the internet for hours researching this. I tried to decide on a magical date in which to attempt freezing myself in the dead of winter. Though I thought of it more as transfiguration. Eventually I settled on the night in which this was to happen. As everyone else went to bed, I waited. Waited for the call. The call that would tell me that the time had come. I heard no call. I began to feel afraid. This started a full on panic attack. The worst panic attack I have ever experienced. That night I decided to get help. The next day I went to the emergency room and was admitted into the psychiatric hospital. And after the wildest three months of my life things began to settle down a bit.

They didn’t stay settled for long, but it was nice while it lasted.

Here’s hoping for a nice calm winter.