I got wrapped up in a negative thought spiral this afternoon. During these spirals it isn’t always easy to find a positive solution to calm my mind. The first solution that came to me today was self harm.

Self harm feels like an old friend when I am in a stressful situation. It is what my clouded mind wants to turn towards for comfort. Today I decided to fire up my laptop and break down why self harm thoughts pop up in these situations. Now I have flipped the script, I have a productive solution to this thought, and I am breaking out of the negative spiral.

Self harm thoughts and behaviour result from feeling that I am trapped. In the past it has served as a way to release feelings of intense pain, anxiety, and self hatred. There was a time when self harm was a very regular behaviour for me. It became one of the first coping mechanisms I would turn to when presented with these feelings. As a result it became ingrained in my way of thinking. I associated self harm with relief and comfort. Over time I am finding better ways to manage my emotions. But my brain still likes to present self harm as an option from time to time.

I still have the odd relapse in this area. But they are few and far between. And as I get better with positive ways to cope with negative feelings, self harm does not seem like a great option anymore. I view it as a negative coping mechanism instead of the only way to get some relief.

Today I defeated my self harm thought by writing about it. Chalk up a win for me.

But I hope it goes to show that I can’t just erase the negative pathways in my brain. It takes work. A lot of work. I hope you can appreciate that.