If you have ever asked me how I am doing, most likely I will tell you that I’m doing okay. Which is often the truth. But sometimes I wonder what people would think if they knew a little more about me. Words that go deeper than one would hear in casual conversation. Maybe you don’t care to hear more from me. But if you do, take a walk with me.

I will take you over the mountains. Where we will take in the views, while navigating the steep cliffs. I will take you across the sea. We will dream on the calm waters and get mercilessly thrown around by towering waves. But all in all, you will learn a lot more about my world.

You will learn about the people I love, and the people I lost. I will tell you about my journey learning how to grieve over 2 very special people that I lost to suicide when I was a child. How I hold onto the memories. And how the questions never end, and the answers never come. I will tell you how I lived my childhood with grief that I could not understand, only to be hit with its full weight as a teen. My grief has eased over the years, but never will it leave. I don’t wish for it to leave, I hold on. I will always hold on.

I might explain how suicidal thoughts and tendencies have affected my own life. I have spent years with suicidal thoughts, and weeks making plans. I have made many trips to the emergency room at the hospital. Stayed many nights in the psychiatric hospital. Maybe I will tell you about the time I decided to take 100 prescription pills, but luckily ended up being okay. I would talk about how scared I was, and the trauma and guilt that has followed. They both have eased with time, but never will they leave. I don’t wish for them to completely leave. I need the reminder of how important it is that I take care of myself and get help when I need it.

I will be sure to talk about how grateful I am for the people in my life. My family. My friends. From people who have visited me in the hospital to the people who have sent me a text at a time I really needed someone. I am very grateful for the opportunity to still be here today. The opportunity to make a difference in the lives of others.

Lastly, I will talk about hope. Hope is the last thing to die. Hope has been one of the things keeping me alive. Hope can be the last light shining on a dark night. Hope is the assurance that the sun will rise again, bringing better days. I do my best to hold onto hope. You should too.