It has been a rough week. Not sure how else to put it. Storms are raging inside my head. It isn’t pretty, and I am not going to paint false positives to cheer things up.

Not to say positives don’t exist right now. There have been some good moments lately. But just moments. My illness has been in control. Bringing with it a spin cycle of thoughts and feelings. And I can’t seem to slow down the spinning gears that keep enforcing the disorder inside my head.

About 10 days I ago I started to feel oncoming depression and fatigue. Then my brain began to fill with static, disconnecting me from most of the good parts of my life. The disconnect leaves me feeling hollow, trying to fill the new hole that is making my life feel rather meaningless. One emotion that creeps into the hole is anger. Not anger that would lead me to an outburst or any outward emotion. Instead, a cold self-hatred that wraps itself around my insides. Anger that creates self loathing and a strong distaste for the world in which I live. Anger that tries to become all consuming, that tries to eat me alive.

I seem to be largely defenseless against this anger. But I do know one way to make it go away. I have found a way to transition my anger into feelings of depression and sadness. Into these feelings I willingly dive. There is peace to be found at the bottom. Sadness becomes a sense of comfort. A shelter from the raging winds of conflicting emotions and anger. I can still hate myself at the bottom, in the dark. But it is not a violent hatred, more like a feeling of acceptance that I am nothing to this world. That I am nothing at all. My mind begins to remind me that nobody cares about me, nobody understands me. This can lead me to ponder whether I am meant for this world, or whether I am just a particle of dust that could disappear without anybody noticing.

Life has mostly been a cycle of these emotions lately. Disconnect turns to anger. Anger turns to sadness. Sadness turns to fatigue. Repeat. You get the picture.

Here comes the part that is slightly complicated. I have not had strong suicidal ideations for a very long time. Many suicidal thoughts, but nothing that would threaten my safety.

Dealing with my current feelings can feel more difficult without the strong suicidal thoughts. Those thoughts were a strange comfort to me in times of intense stress. The thought of suicide was like an escape plan. Always there if I needed it.

Now I have no escape plan. I know that suicide is not an option for me. This can leave me feeling trapped. Without hope and without a way to escape. The pressure builds, leading to increased intensity in feelings like frustration and self loathing. This is the part where positive coping skills are useful. But anyone who is completely diligent in using them is a superhero. Even simple things like deep breathing are difficult when it feels like your mind is on fire. Sometimes emotions win out over coping skills.

I have no positive message to leave you with. No sugar coating. I just wanted to say that I’m having a rough week.