Thoughts run through my head. But before I can properly deal with them, they fade away. Like fireflies dancing in my head. It ends with a feeling of uneasiness. And then the fireflies come again. And again.

The thoughts range from thrilling to unbearable. Excitement. Anxiety. Depression. Confusion. Numbness. Sometimes no thoughts, not even one. Only emptiness.

I am functioning just fine. Daily activities are manageable. But inside my head, I am all mixed up.

What does mixed up look like right now?

Confidence:

There are periods when I feel really good about myself. I feel strong, confident. I feel like I am growing and working towards some of the goals in my life. Life seems fun, filled with possibilities.

Anxiety:

During these times I worry. I worry about the future. I stress about the past. I think about the bad things that have happened and imagine all the bad things that could happen in the days to come. It feels like I am living in a world of worst-case scenarios.

Depression:

Mixed up thoughts provide a great opportunity to slip into depression. It is almost too easy. Depression is the one thing that feels constant. Depression is not a firefly. It is a dark moth that blocks out the light. It is not enjoyable, but at least it doesn’t leave me after 30 seconds. It is a sad sense of comfort.

Feeling numb:

Eventually it is all too much. I start shutting down. My mind becomes blank. My stare becomes empty. I stop feeling. I stop caring. I am taking care of the bare minimum for existence. I keep breathing. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.

Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.

Because things will clear up soon enough.