Life is easy when I’m rolling. I am satisfied. Confident. It feels like I belong.

But sometimes the wheels stop turning. Life doesn’t feel so good anymore. I try not to let it bother me. I put a brave face on it. I keep going.

Life is easier to live with a brave face. It helps me to stay solid. But behind the false front my mind whirls. My demons trying to get a foothold. Trying to tear me down. They have a few things they really enjoy focusing on. And I end up swimming in doubt.

Am I helping anybody?

There are three reasons why I created this blog. To help myself, to help others, and to hopefully promote some mental health awareness. But I wonder, is it worth it? Have I helped anybody? Does anyone care what I have to say? Maybe people are just humouring me. Or better yet, making a mockery of me.

What is the point of growth?

I have grown a lot in the last few years. I continue to grow. But why? Am I growing just to be cut down and left to rot? What if I find out that I’m not cut out for this? What happens when I realize that I’m not actually worth anything?

And when I find out I’m useless, all of this will have been a waste. A waste of time and effort. While I could have just been living in some dark hole.

Why don’t I just give up?

Sometimes I just don’t want to do this anymore. I am sick of it. I want out. Anywhere but here. I wonder if I have a place here. I consider the possibility that I am fated to end my own life. Maybe doom has been written on the wall since my birth. Maybe everything would be better if I just ended it all.

In the end, the wheels start rolling again. The negative voices become quieter. I keep moving forward. Step by step. And I feel brave again. Behind my brave face.