When I was 16, I didn’t think that I would be here today. When I was 19, I knew I wouldn’t be here today. But here I am, nearly 22 years old. It is surprising, humbling, and somewhat regretful. And sometimes I wrestle with my own existence. Maybe it would be better should I have died. Maybe all of this has been for nothing. It begs the question; Why am I still here? And even more pressing; Do I want to be here?

I don’t like watching the world go by and feeling like I’m too exhausted to join in. I don’t like feeling lonely, even though I don’t much enjoy being around people. I don’t care for racing thoughts, brain fog, ruminating… I am not a fan of self harm urges nor of suicidal thoughts. I don’t enjoy it when I look at myself as a failure. Do I want to be here?

I love being outside. I love nature trails and nice weather. I love sunshine. I love water. I love birds. I love the cool shade of the trees, and the smell of the grass.

I love smiles from strangers. I love children. I love my family. I love my friends. I love it when people are happy.

I love helping people. I love it when I can make someone’s life a little bit easier. I love trying to make a difference. I enjoy it when I look at myself as somebody that has a purpose.

Do I want to be here?

Yes, I think I want to be here.