“Good writing is good conversation, only more so.”

-Ernest Hemingway

I have always loved the night. I am fascinated by the stars, by the shadows. The world takes on a new appearance without daylight. Most of my creative thinking comes with the fading of the light. It’s a new world without the sun.

Darkness can also take over my mind. I have learned so much in the shadows.

Some things are clear in in the dark.

When struggling with bipolar disorder and anxiety, I discover new things about myself. I learn about the capacity that I have for pain. It runs deep, through my entire being. I experience pain in different forms, through different feelings.

The pain can become so encompassing that I adopt it. I become the pain. I actively avoid wellness; I avoid the light. Sometimes I think that the pain will drive me over the edge, closing the book on my life’s story.

There is more than mental anguish in the dark. Strength can be found in the dark. I stumble upon it in places I don’t expect. Almost as if it was placed beforehand around the corners where I need it the most. Darkness is where perseverance is built. I find that my will to live is more powerful than I believe it to be. Through these times I have been given more courage to help me navigate, and more patience to stay the course.

My hardships have allowed me to access new depths in my mind. I have become more aware of what goes on in my brain. I have also been given new viewpoints which I now have the opportunity to share. My mental illness has allowed me to relate to others. I know more about what others have felt through shared experience. I am now better equipped to try and help people that are going that are having their own struggles. My empathy for others has grown during these times.

Perhaps the greatest thing I have learned is gratitude. When I am not well, I appreciate all the little things that make a positive impact on my life. These things are often overlooked when things are going smoothly. One text from a friend or greeting from a stranger can be very meaningful. When a lot of life’s branches have been stripped away, I see the big picture in more clarity. During these times I am very thankful for my family, my faith, and the fact that I have been able to make it through so many distressing times in my life. I am truly blessed.

My mental illness has been life changing for me. I have learned so much that I now try to apply to my life going forward. I know that I have the strength to make it through the challenges in my path. I know that I have a lot of support that will help me along the way. I know that I am not the only one in pain. And I know that life is easier when we help each other. Much easier.