“One day, you will be old enough to start reading fairytales again.” – C.S Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia

I walked through the hospital yesterday. I passed by the mental health centre, and meandered familiar halls. Between 2015-2017 I stayed in the psychiatric ward eight times. Visiting this area never fails to bring back memories. A web of memories from a traumatic past.

My first hospitalization was in September of 2015. My most recent stay was in September of 2017. I spent a quarter of 2017 with a hospital band on my wrist. The sights and sounds near the psych ward give me a strange sense of nostalgia. It feels like reaching out to an old friend, a friend that I miss sometimes. The anxiety and pain I felt between those walls has faded, leaving me with the memory of safety and security that was provided for me there. My recollections are not of the agony that brought me to that place, instead closer to the feeling of calmly drifting off to sleep before another round of electroconvulsive therapy.

I learned many things during my time in the hospital. I spoke with people of all ages about their experiences with mental illness. Regardless of diagnosis or outside appearance, I learned to appreciate the other patients for who they are. I realized that despite our differences, we fight a common enemy. I was greatly affected by one thing in particular that I noticed. Our eyes. In our eyes you can see the hurt, uncertainty, and loneliness. We can see it in each other, because we have all walked down similar dark paths. It is a hard reality that not all of us survive mental illness, and some that I have met have since passed away. When I remember the other hospital patients, I remember that I’m not alone. I remember that there are countless others fighting the same battle.

My past experiences have left a strong imprint on who I am today. The strongest feeling from days gone by that I carry with me is gratitude. I’m grateful for the nurses that have helped to take care of me. I am grateful for the doctors that have done their best to make my life better. I am grateful for my conversations with fellow patients. I am grateful for the countless hospital visits from family and friends. I am grateful for God, who watches over me. Always.