“The pills sit in there in their colours and shapes ready to push me, in plastic-coated increments, into my future.” -Anna Funder, All That I Am

“It will take some time, but these will make you feel better.” A statement I will never forget. I was a suffering 17 year old, in an office at a Saskatoon walk-in clinic. I believed the Doctor when he said that. How naive of me.

I was prescribed my first pyschiatric medication that day. Prozac. That was the first of thirteen different medications, including the four that I am taking currently. So many different sizes, shapes, and colours. I feel like I’ve swallowed the rainbow. Some of the meds have brought much harm and no help. I believe that negative reactions to medication were a strong trigger in many of my severe episodes after starting down this road. This rollercoaster to relief.

I know now that life with psychiatric meds is no more than a hope and a prayer, dust in the wind. It is hoping to feel better before you forget what better is. It is families hoping for results before they lose their loved one. Husband. Wife. Son. Daughter. Brother. Sister. Friend. Mom. Dad.

I am lucky to be on medications that improve my mental health. There are many other things involved with mental health improvement and maintenance. I need to make sure that I am eating and sleeping well. I also need exercise and time by myself relax. That being said, it is so much easier to practice these things when my meds are working with me, not fighting against me.

The pathway to relief can be trying. Sometimes I feel like I will never be okay again. Other times I do not want to feel okay again, nor feel at all. The work never stops. I will be mentally ill until the very last breath of my life. I have no idea what the future holds for me. But I do know that there are good times ahead for me. No matter how I feel during my worst moments, there are always better days ahead. If I had a nickel for all the times that I’ve given up on this life I wouldn’t be working off a free website. But every time I’ve lost hope it has found its way back to me. And so it goes on.

-Trevor